Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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