Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
