the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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