@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
In other news, I just burned my penis
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize
