I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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