She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
