so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
