Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
What did we do last night that was yellow?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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