I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
