Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
