All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Randomize
