so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
