I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
