Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
