i wish starbucks made bloody marys
this beer tastes like vomit already
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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