If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
