Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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