Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
