My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
