I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
