I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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