I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
