Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
