she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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