please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Randomize
