What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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