sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
