One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
