you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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