garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
