He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
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