I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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