if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
