You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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