so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
