If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
