You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
