Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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