I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
