And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
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