i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
