Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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