I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
