I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Randomize
