I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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