Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
