My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
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