Your face is a jimmy john
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
