So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
