I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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