I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
