She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
