apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
