My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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