now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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