You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
